Type #5- The Hipster

"I really only watch cooking shows on PBS."

Also known as: Mr. Ironic, PBR Drinker, Mustache-haver

Advantages: Could give you access to cool indie bands, clothes, food, etc.

Disadvantages: Will talk about said bands, clothes, food, etc. ad nauseum; so much so that you will want nothing to do with them (or him)

HIPSTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I write this now, I realize that Adam should be given a pass for his actions.  Adam was my first date from It's Just Lunch, and I think the anger he showed was really towards the service, and not me, at least I think.  The first thing he said to me when he walked in was 'Why are you sitting, we aren't eating, I thought this was only drinks."  Then, I was completely offended, but now I see there is a flaw in this dating service.  See, they make a reservation under your name, which assumes for the restaurant at least, you will be eating.  Now we all know that dinner on a first date is a bold move, so I'm not sure why It's Just Lunch does it.  They should just tell you, "Meet at this place," but they don't. There's a lot this service doesn't do.

So I'll go back to my first impression.  Wow- I got yelled at for sitting--this can NOT be a good sign. Adam, from what I was told, was a managing editor at a popular magazine, a "fun" guy and he liked to play guitar.

Side note- when I was on the phone with my "consultant," I told him I was trying to be fairly open-minded, however, I find that I really don't mesh well with the Brooklyn, hipster type.

Following, please to enjoy the transcript of what has been so far, the shortest date I have ever had:

7:00--as you know already, I get yelled out for sitting down.  Adam, btw, is 40 and has a Justin Beiber haircut and wore a decorative scarf throughout the entire date.

7:09--Me: where do you live?  Him : Brooklyn (great)

7:10--Me: I hear you are an editor, I'm into writing. I've taken a bunch of sketch writing classes at The PIT and UCB and I loved it and...  Him (cutting me off): oh

7:10 and 5 sec---(I'm about to just get up and leave, but I decided not to a) because it's a good lesson and b) I knew I would have a good story)

7:15-- after awkward banter we decide we both like Top Chef.  Other than that show however, he only watches PBS and  really "digs" the old cooking shows from the 70s.

7:16-- Me: vomiting

7:19-- It was silent so I asked "What do you like to do for fun."  Him: "What do you describe as fun?"  Me: Not this (I didn't say that but should have.)

Finally around 7:21 he tells me he is very socially awkward and doesn't get out much (shocking)  however he is really into butchery.  He only thinks he could butcher small animals, not larger ones.

7:20-- Me: OK, I need to catch a train- I'm out Him: Goes in for the awkward hug.

7:40- Me: eating Penn station pizza like it's my job.

I'm not kidding, it was a 20 minute date..maybe 30...tops!  It was the worst because he was just a prick in every sense of the word.  It would have been cool if he was like, "Look, obviously we aren't connecting, but let's at least enjoy a drink."  Actually, it would have been cooler if I said it.  And I should have.

I recently read this book "How to get married after 35" (don't judge- it was actually good) and the premise was to not waste time on guys who aren't worth your time.  Not even to regale your friends with the silly stories on a blog.  If you have been reading my blog, you can see that I tend to hang on way to long to wait for the guy to be cool, nice, funny, etc., but it never happens.  Lesson here, something I need to learn:  Once the date goes south, just leave.  IF the guy is worth it, he will reach out to you for another shot.  If not, your gut instinct was right...which it usually is.

What Would You Wear on a First Date?

I am hard to figure out fashion-wise.  I can knock it out of the park for formal events and business casual, but when it comes to "downtown chic" or "first-date" cool I usually end up erring on the boring side.  When I try to pull off this look, some comments I got from my friends in the past were that I looked like Ellen,  a homeless person, a lesbian prepster, or a homeless Ellen. I don't think this is what you are supposed to exude when you want to attract a man, right? My problem dating may be easily fixed if I could just get a personal stylist!

It's not like in my head I don't know what I'm supposed to wear: cool jeans, a white tee and slouchy blazer with killer knee-high boots and funky necklace, but my body is more Joan from Mad Men and less Miranda Kerr unfortunately, so I sometime looks like I came out of Talbots (I own nothing form Talbots). Being, ahem, blessed, with a larger chest I think is not good for a first date either.  Anything that is remotely low-cut has me looking like Jessica Rabbit.  It's a lose-lose.  Unless it's summer, I can rock a cute summer dress any day.

I once described an outfit of mine before a date and my friend said "What your describing reminds me of that Jessica Simpson pic with the bad jeans."  No, I did not wear a leopard belt! I did wear trouser jeans though.

Also, another time I was getting my hair blown out, and was talking to the guy about my date (it was my second date with Jay). He was getting into my dating stories and asked, "So....what are you going to wear??"  Um, I was wearing what I was going to wear!  I thought jeans, a tank and a little cardigan were cute, granted a bit 8th grade.  I was embarrassed so I lied to him and said I am changing at home.  My hair looked fabulous, but obviously when you have to lie to a gay about what you are wearing on a date, you know you've made a fashion fatality.

In sum, this post is mostly meant to solicit feedback.  What would you wear on a first date in the freezing city of Manhattan in the winter?

It's Just Lunch= It's Just Crap

I stated one of my intentions for this blog was so others read this and don't make the same dating mistakes as I do.  I think my biggest mission though is to ensure that NO ONE IN NYC EVER USES IT'S JUST LUNCH.  It could possibly be the biggest scam and worst dating service in the world.  Please heed my warning and do not waste your money on this horrible, horrible service.

Now you may think Laura, I've only know of It's Just Lunch by reading Hemispheres while I was bored on my last flight.  Does that mean you order neck pillows and bird baths from SkyMall?  Do you trust everything you read on airplanes?  The answer is no, however, sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures.  My mom signed me up as a gift.  She is just short of pulling out the UAE yellow pages and cold-calling sheiks to see if they need an extra in their harem.  This couldn't be worse, could it?  In hindsight, I should have spent the money on  a one-way ticket to Abu Dhabi.

It's Just Lunch was born in the 80s when people power-lunched and actually had time to leave their office.  It's a service for "busy professionals" and they act as a matchmaker---like being set up on a blind date.  Also, people usually meet up for a drink or dinner. You don't see the people beforehand, just their names and a bit of background.  I quoted the busy professionals because my dates neither seem busy, nor professional.

At first you get interviewed. Typical questions about your interests, your ideal mate, likes/dislikes and then you come in to verify you are a living human.  I met with a real slick salesman who promised me they had a ton of professionals waiting to meet me.  Never heard from that guy again as I got booted over to my "matchmaking team." Also, let's note that this team is in Florida.  Seriously, there is no one on the ground running the show. The best part is they pick the place where you meet.  As a New Yorker, it is hysterical when I see what places they suggest.  One date was scheduled at a diner in Harlem.  I mean, do they not read Yelp?  Out of the 67,546 restaurants in Manhattan, you pick Harlem?  This is one small insight on how in-tune these people are to the needs of a single professional that lives in NYC. Some people I know won't date anyone above 14th street let alone another borough.  OK, that was hyperbole, but also, kinda true.

I could go on and on about the poor customer service, the crappy agreement in which  could not find a loophole to cancel (and I've worked with attorneys for years!) and just the pure craziness that this company is still in business.

First date details in the next post, but seriously, to anyone reading this.  Please, do not spend a nickel on this company.  It was the worst money I ever spent....and I bought a lot of Z Cavariccis in my day.

 

Email Bag!

Here's another great email I received through Match. To be fair, obviously English is not his first language, so I can't judge too harshly, but it was amusing nonetheless.

From Juan:

Good Evening,

Very uplifting the way you bring yourself !
You really went out there to expose the beauty of a real Woman.

( how am I doing so far ? ) :D

I found that we have a plethora of interests and good fun and in common values. Vegas.
Better when you have such similarities.

You definitely shinned your abilities and thoughts... Well accomplished.

Your writing is calm, sensible, feminine, pratical to read with nice pictures those therefore,
I don't think it does you any justice.

And then... after words...
comes your smile... a soft cloud.

I understand why the Sun comes out every morning to brighten those beautiful luminescent eyes of yours, I truly can see why and I like the way you present a well balanced personality from mind and body with energy to a unique whimsical touch.

As for me :
I'm traditional with a nurturing personality, good morals and like to make use of old fashioned romanticism that never goes away plus a little a lot of good integrity never hurts. I'm definitely Not a dullard.

I'm supportive of the one's dreams myriads and always attentive of you love your job the it's cute funny and ambitious.

I'm healthy and do eat heathy, exercise regularly, I like to cook little bit more on the veggie side, not all the way it all depends what you would want for dinner :D

I do clean as I cook,
would you think that's funny ? I really do.

I would like to entice someone to joy me exploring anywhere from Manhattan, Montak Hamptons, upstate NY, Jersey, countrysides, US cities, nat'l parks Cancun Aruba Rio Buenos Aires Ankara Jerusalem, Barcelona Paris...
Foremost I think wholeheartedly that traveling is healthy and good for you !!!

Would be quite nice to hear from you,
Juan

Type #4- Not Over His Ex

"I wasn't the one who ended the marriage..."

Also known as: Bitter, Sad, Confused

Advantages: Good if you need someone to commiserate with.

Disadvantages: You will be calling his ex, begging her to take him back.

John, John, John. Poor John just was not ready to go back into the dating scene and I should have known the second I viewed his Match profile.  He had photos of himself with a very pretty woman, whom I was later told was his ex.  He said he "didn't know how to crop photos"  AND they were from THEIR LAST TRIP TOGETHER!!!  He liked the photos bc he was tan.  Ok, I can appreciate a good tan photo, but learn to crop for Chrissakes!

Side note about John's profile.  He was all about "graduating from Harvard."  There were a few pics of him at graduation, his name was IvyLeaguer and mentioned it in his profile.  You would think that he was a 14th generation alum.  Come to find out....he went to the extension school. Now, I'm all for certificate programs and think they are great, but please don't act like you went to the best school in the country for 4 years.

Ok, why did I go out with this dbag?  Well apparently, I have been told I am "too picky" so I thought, I should give it a whirl

Mistake #1- Talking to him on the phone
John was old school and called me to chat.  I actually like talking on the phone and think it's nice when guys suggest this.  It also weeds out any creepy high-pitch talkers. The convo started off nicely, but then it turned.  He told me his ENTIRE story about how his marriage ended, how his wife had cancer but went into remission and then cheated on him. He also mentioned that he didn't end the marriage, she did, but it has been 2 years now and he's finally over it.  OooooKkkkkkk. Clearly someone still had some issues.  Ladies, if this happens to you, say someone is breaking into your apartment or that you're on fire or something and just hang up the phone and never talk to him again. What do I do? Agree to a date of course!

Mistake #2- Actually meeting up with this guy
Even after the odd phone date I still decided to go out with this guy! It took us at least 3 weeks to connect and make a date. He was the worst at planning.  Girls- if you can't nail down a date within a week, don't give this guy another shot.  What did I do?  I met up with him of course!

The Date
I basically hate this guy by the time I finally see him, but hey, I'm a masochist. We met up at a cute bar in Tribeca and it was rough.  All he did was tell me stories about his son.  Now one or two is fine, but not for more than 10 minutes of a first date. Then of course he mentions his ex and at that point I just wanted to leave.  We only had one drink and I said I had to go and he gave me his business card.  Obviously we didn't hit it off but he still went in for the kiss and it was so awkward and I just pulled away and ran into the subway.  I was so glad it was over.

Best part of the whole story, he texts me about 3 days after that although he liked me, he didn't think we "connected on a romantic level" and that he wanted to give me that "feedback" since he knows how hard match can be.  Thanks for the feedback John!  Please call your ex and see if she will take you back :)

Tidbit: This is how bad it's gotten in the NYC dating world.  My friend just said, "So I've been texting with cocaine guy from last night" and without a beat I go "Ooh, that's good."

Type #3- The Health Nut

"For my birthday last week I indulged in a steak."

Also known as: Crunchy, Mr. Fit, Boring

Advantages: Would probably be a good influence on your health

Disadvantages: Will make you want to do a shot, light a joint and eat a McRib 20 minutes into the date.

This guy was the worst in the sense that the date was utterly boring and quite annoying.  Now, let me preface this with a lot of guys on Match state up front if they are vegans or super gym fanatics, which I totally appreciate, but which I also totally avoid.  Steve made no mention of his straight-arrow ways in his profile.  He was cute, an analyst, and came from NY.  We didn't email that much and he wanted to meet up like the day after (I didn't--I'm not THAT desperate--yet), I met him for coffee on the UES at a cute café in the 90s.  I wasn't living there at the time, so it was a bit of a hike for me.

Some people get annoyed with coffee dates- I don't.  I think it is a chill way to get to know someone without the off-chance of ending up in Roosevelt Island that same night trying to find a cab home (this did happen on a first date of mine which started off a 2 year relationship). But I digress.

Steve was very on edge.  He reminded me of a dude from the 1950s.-- very buttoned up.  I got a coffee and he said he was going to splurge and get a latte. Eye roll.

I kicked the convo off to a bad start which set the tone for the entire rest of the date. He lived in the 90s and jokingly I asked if he lived in "Dormandie Court" which is a nickname for a building which I lived in after college.  Of course, he did...and he took offense to it.  He told me how a lot of families lived there now, and I heard that is the case, but regardless, he wasn't amused.

This date was towards the end of summer and I mentioned something about the shore.  He then proceeded to go on a 20 minute lecture about how bad the sun is and that everyone is going to get skin cancer.  This guy was a laugh riot!!

I wanted to chug my coffee so bad, and weighed the pros and cons of having a scalded throat vs. listening to this guy, but I held on.

Steve also had a real chip on his shoulder.  He was talking about college...I forget where he went, but he said "Well, I guess I can't impress you Miss Georgetown."  Out of nowhere!  Steve, where is this anger coming from?  Then I try to talk about TV and shocker, Steve doesn't watch much TV other than sports.  I told him I loved anything reality just to piss him off.  He asked if I would ever consider going on a reality show and I made some joke about it depends on how much they pay me.  He looked at me and thought I was serious and said he would never consider being on such trash.

Well, it was time for this date to end but wasn't ending it, so I called it a night.  We had a weird stiff awkward hug and I kinda wanted to punch him for being so annoying.

I would rather have a million bad dates with a guy who is at least entertaining than with a wet blanket like Steve.

Lesson here: Make sure you exchange at least 3 emails with the guy to weed out the duds!

Type #2- The Player- Part Deux

Unlike me, this 8 year old girl knows how to play the game.

 

 

 

 

Where did we leave off?  Of yes, I was turning into a stalker.  Last story was I texted him I was in the city and he gave me the brushoff.

That Monday he sent me an email about a tv show we were both watching.  Nothing about me being cute or having a great time on Friday.  No plans for him to make me his famous duck confit that week. I start to panic.

Now a normal person would read this and tell me to chill the f out--but as you will come to find out, I have a very hard problem with instant gratification and wanting things NOW.  My friends sometimes liken me to Veruka Salt.

Mistake #5
After some lame emails back and forth, I bit the bullet and asked if he wanted to see an art show that we were talking about (cringe!!!).  It took him a day to respond and he just commented that he heard it was a good show.

UGH! I should have wrote him off there, but I continued to email him, not pushing the issue that he totally ignored my date request, but hoping he would eventually ask me out again.

Then the emails became less frequent, work became "crazy busy" (the kiss of death in a relationship) and I stopped emailing him.  Or did I????

We bonded over our love/hate of the Kardashians, so when Kim had her baby about two weeks later, I emailed him.  He responded back something funny but short.

FINALLY I got the hint and I let it go.  Now you can say that he only wanted a hook up and after he didn't get any lost interest, but I could have made myself a LOT more interesting if I actually let him think I was a hot commodity.  I was just short of showing up to his office naked with a sign that says "I have no prospects other than you right now."

In sum, I made the huge mistake of a) falling hard for a guy way too soon and b) making myself 100% available to him.  This is the worst possible thing you can do in order to attract a mate, I know this, yet continued to do it.  At some point, my ego just took control and in the end made me look like a fool.  So, as the moral of this blog goes, do as I say, and for God's sake not as I do!