Let's Talk About..."When Harry Met Sally"

Merry Christmas everyone!  After opening presents and going through what feels like a month of endless eating and drinking, my family settled down today and we all watched the classic, "When Harry Met Sally." Who doesn't love this movie?  Even my dad, who only likes movies made before 1940 was chuckling. 

We all know the infamous, "I'll have what she's having," line, but I forgot there are also some great lines that still hold true to dating today.  It especially hits close to home being single during the holidays and I felt compelled to comment on a few choice lines.

Scene at the Boathouse
Marie: Okay, but don't wait too long. Remember what happened with David Warsaw? His wife left him and everyone said give him some time, don't move in too fast...6 months later, he was dead.
Sally: What are you saying? I should get married to someone right away in case he's about to die?
Alice: At least you could say you were married.

This line resonated with me during the period when I hit 30 and it felt all my friends were getting married but me.  It felt like every guy I dated during that time was going to be "the one." I hadn't met the one in college, so of course I would meet him in business school, right?  Well wrong.  At that time, I felt like I had to get married. It didn't matter to whom as long as I got to wear a white dress and have a great party. All the wrong reasons to want to get married!  Don't get me wrong, I would still like to get married, but I see way beyond the dress now, especially seeing my friends and family go through some rather ugly divorces.  What I'm looking for now isn't a wedding, but a life partner.  It can be a  bummer to be single at this time, but really, would you rather be married and miserable or single and maybe just a bit lonely?  It's not worth it to say "At least I'm married"

Sally find out her ex is getting married
Sally: He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.

Harry: If you could take him back now, would you?

Sally: No. But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?

Harry: Nothing.

Sally: I'm difficult.

Harry: You're challenging.

Sally: I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off.

Harry: But in a good way.

Sally: No, no, no, I drove him away. AND, I'm gonna be forty.

Harry: When?

Sally: Someday.

 

This scene hits very close to home.  In one of my earlier relationships, I thought I was with someone who truly and honestly didn't want to get married to anyone.  His parents weren't married and he was against the institution.  I truly believed this, but that of course, we would be together forever.  Guess what?  I got the ax and he married the very next girl he met like a year later!!  The very next girl.  All I could think of was "Why didn't he want to marry me?"  This is something that women need to learn to accept.  It unfortunately took me way too long to get over that heartbreak since I wrestled with that question for years after.  In reality ladies, no man is DYING to get married, BUT if he loves you enough, he will marry you, no question about it.  Think about all your friends who are in healthy marriages.  They never had 29 breakups and constant fighting...it was easy.  I'm sorry to say, but when a man says he isn't going to get married, it probably means he doesn't want to marry you. Basic premise behind the book He Just Isn't That Into You, only Sally Albright said it 20 years earlier.  Let's face it, if it's been 4 years, you are over 30 and your boyfriend still hasn't proposed, he just may not ever get around to it.  Just a thought...

 

After Harry freaks out because he slept with Sally

Sally Albright: I am not your consolation prize, Harry.

 

One benefit of being on Match is that you get to date a lot of guys.  The downfall is that they too are dating a lot of women. This is fine when you are on the first date, but when you get to the 4th date, it gets a little dicey.  You have to make sure that you are the one they are dying to see...not the girl who happens to be there. Don't settle for second best when you aren't exclusive yet with a guy. You want to be the Saturday night gal, not the last minute Tuesday night booty call. Who wants to be a goomah? No one wants to end up like  Janice Rossi in 2R.  Don't be anyone's consolation prize! 

Don't you guys agree this movie still holds true today?  Notice I didn't even touch upon guys and girls being friends.  I still don't know where I stand on that one!
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Type #6- Pervy McPervson

"I would love to massage your feet with sensual lotion."

Also known as: Carlos Danger, Chester the Molester, Anthony Weiner

Advantages: Could be amazing in the bedroom

Disadvantages: Could murder you in the bedroom and wear your skin as a dress

Ah, the Perv.  Match has a lot of them.  Let me preface this story with a few things.  One, the title quote was actually sent to me in an email. Two, people's freak flags fly at different levels, so I understand where some people may be ok with a little pervi-ness, and third, I actually made it to a date with someone I thought was an initial perv (and may still be). As always, below are real, actual stories.  Also, mom, please don't read this--it will save you nights of rosaries and lighting candles.

I'll start off with a question.  France- what is up with your men?  Do you groom them as little boys and have them watch Pepe LePew as a paradigm of how to woo women with a creepy, rapey vibe?  I would be comfortable publishing a study with the following statistic- about 89% of French men are pervs and 100% of French men on Match are pervs. 9 times out of 10, any creepy email I got was from a Frenchman.  Unfortunately I didn't save them, but most of them would send me explicit emails (right off the bat!) of what they want to do to me.  And yes, some man said he wanted to give me a foot massage.  I really want to know if this strategy ever works.  Really, I do.

One pervy story basically started and ended before an actual date.  Andy seemed like a clean cut kind of guy, we emailed back and forth a few times and no alarm bells went off.  He didn't want to massage my feet or try on my bras so I felt comfortable enough to give him my number. Oh Laura, the mistakes you make on Match.

Well Andy turned from clean cut to straight up freak.  His first text was if I was a good kisser (obviously we know from my story with Jack  that I am), and I didn't respond.  He said that he was a great kisser and that I should experiment with him.  I told him how much he creeped me out so he then took it down a notch and texted me a few normal things. Then, I kid you not, he asked about my favorite sexual position.  I mean, I have put up with some weird stuff, but that is where I draw the line!  I texted him that he was insanely inappropriate and to lose my number.

Best part of the story, he sent me another email on Match saying "Well, I guess we didn't click although you should have given me a chance." THEN when I didn't respond, he sent me a not interested email.  There is this option on Match (which I have never used) that if you don't like a person, you send an automated message that says, "Thanks but so and so is not interested in you."  So creepy Andy sends me that message after I ignored him.  Classic Match.

On a related note I did give a different perv, Louis, the benefit of the doubt.  He mentioned he was really into knee high boots on like the third email, but I let that slide.  The date was interesting to say the least, but that is for another post.

Type #5- The Hipster

"I really only watch cooking shows on PBS."

Also known as: Mr. Ironic, PBR Drinker, Mustache-haver

Advantages: Could give you access to cool indie bands, clothes, food, etc.

Disadvantages: Will talk about said bands, clothes, food, etc. ad nauseum; so much so that you will want nothing to do with them (or him)

HIPSTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I write this now, I realize that Adam should be given a pass for his actions.  Adam was my first date from It's Just Lunch, and I think the anger he showed was really towards the service, and not me, at least I think.  The first thing he said to me when he walked in was 'Why are you sitting, we aren't eating, I thought this was only drinks."  Then, I was completely offended, but now I see there is a flaw in this dating service.  See, they make a reservation under your name, which assumes for the restaurant at least, you will be eating.  Now we all know that dinner on a first date is a bold move, so I'm not sure why It's Just Lunch does it.  They should just tell you, "Meet at this place," but they don't. There's a lot this service doesn't do.

So I'll go back to my first impression.  Wow- I got yelled at for sitting--this can NOT be a good sign. Adam, from what I was told, was a managing editor at a popular magazine, a "fun" guy and he liked to play guitar.

Side note- when I was on the phone with my "consultant," I told him I was trying to be fairly open-minded, however, I find that I really don't mesh well with the Brooklyn, hipster type.

Following, please to enjoy the transcript of what has been so far, the shortest date I have ever had:

7:00--as you know already, I get yelled out for sitting down.  Adam, btw, is 40 and has a Justin Beiber haircut and wore a decorative scarf throughout the entire date.

7:09--Me: where do you live?  Him : Brooklyn (great)

7:10--Me: I hear you are an editor, I'm into writing. I've taken a bunch of sketch writing classes at The PIT and UCB and I loved it and...  Him (cutting me off): oh

7:10 and 5 sec---(I'm about to just get up and leave, but I decided not to a) because it's a good lesson and b) I knew I would have a good story)

7:15-- after awkward banter we decide we both like Top Chef.  Other than that show however, he only watches PBS and  really "digs" the old cooking shows from the 70s.

7:16-- Me: vomiting

7:19-- It was silent so I asked "What do you like to do for fun."  Him: "What do you describe as fun?"  Me: Not this (I didn't say that but should have.)

Finally around 7:21 he tells me he is very socially awkward and doesn't get out much (shocking)  however he is really into butchery.  He only thinks he could butcher small animals, not larger ones.

7:20-- Me: OK, I need to catch a train- I'm out Him: Goes in for the awkward hug.

7:40- Me: eating Penn station pizza like it's my job.

I'm not kidding, it was a 20 minute date..maybe 30...tops!  It was the worst because he was just a prick in every sense of the word.  It would have been cool if he was like, "Look, obviously we aren't connecting, but let's at least enjoy a drink."  Actually, it would have been cooler if I said it.  And I should have.

I recently read this book "How to get married after 35" (don't judge- it was actually good) and the premise was to not waste time on guys who aren't worth your time.  Not even to regale your friends with the silly stories on a blog.  If you have been reading my blog, you can see that I tend to hang on way to long to wait for the guy to be cool, nice, funny, etc., but it never happens.  Lesson here, something I need to learn:  Once the date goes south, just leave.  IF the guy is worth it, he will reach out to you for another shot.  If not, your gut instinct was right...which it usually is.

What Would You Wear on a First Date?

I am hard to figure out fashion-wise.  I can knock it out of the park for formal events and business casual, but when it comes to "downtown chic" or "first-date" cool I usually end up erring on the boring side.  When I try to pull off this look, some comments I got from my friends in the past were that I looked like Ellen,  a homeless person, a lesbian prepster, or a homeless Ellen. I don't think this is what you are supposed to exude when you want to attract a man, right? My problem dating may be easily fixed if I could just get a personal stylist!

It's not like in my head I don't know what I'm supposed to wear: cool jeans, a white tee and slouchy blazer with killer knee-high boots and funky necklace, but my body is more Joan from Mad Men and less Miranda Kerr unfortunately, so I sometime looks like I came out of Talbots (I own nothing form Talbots). Being, ahem, blessed, with a larger chest I think is not good for a first date either.  Anything that is remotely low-cut has me looking like Jessica Rabbit.  It's a lose-lose.  Unless it's summer, I can rock a cute summer dress any day.

I once described an outfit of mine before a date and my friend said "What your describing reminds me of that Jessica Simpson pic with the bad jeans."  No, I did not wear a leopard belt! I did wear trouser jeans though.

Also, another time I was getting my hair blown out, and was talking to the guy about my date (it was my second date with Jay). He was getting into my dating stories and asked, "So....what are you going to wear??"  Um, I was wearing what I was going to wear!  I thought jeans, a tank and a little cardigan were cute, granted a bit 8th grade.  I was embarrassed so I lied to him and said I am changing at home.  My hair looked fabulous, but obviously when you have to lie to a gay about what you are wearing on a date, you know you've made a fashion fatality.

In sum, this post is mostly meant to solicit feedback.  What would you wear on a first date in the freezing city of Manhattan in the winter?

It's Just Lunch= It's Just Crap

I stated one of my intentions for this blog was so others read this and don't make the same dating mistakes as I do.  I think my biggest mission though is to ensure that NO ONE IN NYC EVER USES IT'S JUST LUNCH.  It could possibly be the biggest scam and worst dating service in the world.  Please heed my warning and do not waste your money on this horrible, horrible service.

Now you may think Laura, I've only know of It's Just Lunch by reading Hemispheres while I was bored on my last flight.  Does that mean you order neck pillows and bird baths from SkyMall?  Do you trust everything you read on airplanes?  The answer is no, however, sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures.  My mom signed me up as a gift.  She is just short of pulling out the UAE yellow pages and cold-calling sheiks to see if they need an extra in their harem.  This couldn't be worse, could it?  In hindsight, I should have spent the money on  a one-way ticket to Abu Dhabi.

It's Just Lunch was born in the 80s when people power-lunched and actually had time to leave their office.  It's a service for "busy professionals" and they act as a matchmaker---like being set up on a blind date.  Also, people usually meet up for a drink or dinner. You don't see the people beforehand, just their names and a bit of background.  I quoted the busy professionals because my dates neither seem busy, nor professional.

At first you get interviewed. Typical questions about your interests, your ideal mate, likes/dislikes and then you come in to verify you are a living human.  I met with a real slick salesman who promised me they had a ton of professionals waiting to meet me.  Never heard from that guy again as I got booted over to my "matchmaking team." Also, let's note that this team is in Florida.  Seriously, there is no one on the ground running the show. The best part is they pick the place where you meet.  As a New Yorker, it is hysterical when I see what places they suggest.  One date was scheduled at a diner in Harlem.  I mean, do they not read Yelp?  Out of the 67,546 restaurants in Manhattan, you pick Harlem?  This is one small insight on how in-tune these people are to the needs of a single professional that lives in NYC. Some people I know won't date anyone above 14th street let alone another borough.  OK, that was hyperbole, but also, kinda true.

I could go on and on about the poor customer service, the crappy agreement in which  could not find a loophole to cancel (and I've worked with attorneys for years!) and just the pure craziness that this company is still in business.

First date details in the next post, but seriously, to anyone reading this.  Please, do not spend a nickel on this company.  It was the worst money I ever spent....and I bought a lot of Z Cavariccis in my day.

 

Email Bag!

Here's another great email I received through Match. To be fair, obviously English is not his first language, so I can't judge too harshly, but it was amusing nonetheless.

From Juan:

Good Evening,

Very uplifting the way you bring yourself !
You really went out there to expose the beauty of a real Woman.

( how am I doing so far ? ) :D

I found that we have a plethora of interests and good fun and in common values. Vegas.
Better when you have such similarities.

You definitely shinned your abilities and thoughts... Well accomplished.

Your writing is calm, sensible, feminine, pratical to read with nice pictures those therefore,
I don't think it does you any justice.

And then... after words...
comes your smile... a soft cloud.

I understand why the Sun comes out every morning to brighten those beautiful luminescent eyes of yours, I truly can see why and I like the way you present a well balanced personality from mind and body with energy to a unique whimsical touch.

As for me :
I'm traditional with a nurturing personality, good morals and like to make use of old fashioned romanticism that never goes away plus a little a lot of good integrity never hurts. I'm definitely Not a dullard.

I'm supportive of the one's dreams myriads and always attentive of you love your job the it's cute funny and ambitious.

I'm healthy and do eat heathy, exercise regularly, I like to cook little bit more on the veggie side, not all the way it all depends what you would want for dinner :D

I do clean as I cook,
would you think that's funny ? I really do.

I would like to entice someone to joy me exploring anywhere from Manhattan, Montak Hamptons, upstate NY, Jersey, countrysides, US cities, nat'l parks Cancun Aruba Rio Buenos Aires Ankara Jerusalem, Barcelona Paris...
Foremost I think wholeheartedly that traveling is healthy and good for you !!!

Would be quite nice to hear from you,
Juan

Type #4- Not Over His Ex

"I wasn't the one who ended the marriage..."

Also known as: Bitter, Sad, Confused

Advantages: Good if you need someone to commiserate with.

Disadvantages: You will be calling his ex, begging her to take him back.

John, John, John. Poor John just was not ready to go back into the dating scene and I should have known the second I viewed his Match profile.  He had photos of himself with a very pretty woman, whom I was later told was his ex.  He said he "didn't know how to crop photos"  AND they were from THEIR LAST TRIP TOGETHER!!!  He liked the photos bc he was tan.  Ok, I can appreciate a good tan photo, but learn to crop for Chrissakes!

Side note about John's profile.  He was all about "graduating from Harvard."  There were a few pics of him at graduation, his name was IvyLeaguer and mentioned it in his profile.  You would think that he was a 14th generation alum.  Come to find out....he went to the extension school. Now, I'm all for certificate programs and think they are great, but please don't act like you went to the best school in the country for 4 years.

Ok, why did I go out with this dbag?  Well apparently, I have been told I am "too picky" so I thought, I should give it a whirl

Mistake #1- Talking to him on the phone
John was old school and called me to chat.  I actually like talking on the phone and think it's nice when guys suggest this.  It also weeds out any creepy high-pitch talkers. The convo started off nicely, but then it turned.  He told me his ENTIRE story about how his marriage ended, how his wife had cancer but went into remission and then cheated on him. He also mentioned that he didn't end the marriage, she did, but it has been 2 years now and he's finally over it.  OooooKkkkkkk. Clearly someone still had some issues.  Ladies, if this happens to you, say someone is breaking into your apartment or that you're on fire or something and just hang up the phone and never talk to him again. What do I do? Agree to a date of course!

Mistake #2- Actually meeting up with this guy
Even after the odd phone date I still decided to go out with this guy! It took us at least 3 weeks to connect and make a date. He was the worst at planning.  Girls- if you can't nail down a date within a week, don't give this guy another shot.  What did I do?  I met up with him of course!

The Date
I basically hate this guy by the time I finally see him, but hey, I'm a masochist. We met up at a cute bar in Tribeca and it was rough.  All he did was tell me stories about his son.  Now one or two is fine, but not for more than 10 minutes of a first date. Then of course he mentions his ex and at that point I just wanted to leave.  We only had one drink and I said I had to go and he gave me his business card.  Obviously we didn't hit it off but he still went in for the kiss and it was so awkward and I just pulled away and ran into the subway.  I was so glad it was over.

Best part of the whole story, he texts me about 3 days after that although he liked me, he didn't think we "connected on a romantic level" and that he wanted to give me that "feedback" since he knows how hard match can be.  Thanks for the feedback John!  Please call your ex and see if she will take you back :)

Tidbit: This is how bad it's gotten in the NYC dating world.  My friend just said, "So I've been texting with cocaine guy from last night" and without a beat I go "Ooh, that's good."

Type #3- The Health Nut

"For my birthday last week I indulged in a steak."

Also known as: Crunchy, Mr. Fit, Boring

Advantages: Would probably be a good influence on your health

Disadvantages: Will make you want to do a shot, light a joint and eat a McRib 20 minutes into the date.

This guy was the worst in the sense that the date was utterly boring and quite annoying.  Now, let me preface this with a lot of guys on Match state up front if they are vegans or super gym fanatics, which I totally appreciate, but which I also totally avoid.  Steve made no mention of his straight-arrow ways in his profile.  He was cute, an analyst, and came from NY.  We didn't email that much and he wanted to meet up like the day after (I didn't--I'm not THAT desperate--yet), I met him for coffee on the UES at a cute café in the 90s.  I wasn't living there at the time, so it was a bit of a hike for me.

Some people get annoyed with coffee dates- I don't.  I think it is a chill way to get to know someone without the off-chance of ending up in Roosevelt Island that same night trying to find a cab home (this did happen on a first date of mine which started off a 2 year relationship). But I digress.

Steve was very on edge.  He reminded me of a dude from the 1950s.-- very buttoned up.  I got a coffee and he said he was going to splurge and get a latte. Eye roll.

I kicked the convo off to a bad start which set the tone for the entire rest of the date. He lived in the 90s and jokingly I asked if he lived in "Dormandie Court" which is a nickname for a building which I lived in after college.  Of course, he did...and he took offense to it.  He told me how a lot of families lived there now, and I heard that is the case, but regardless, he wasn't amused.

This date was towards the end of summer and I mentioned something about the shore.  He then proceeded to go on a 20 minute lecture about how bad the sun is and that everyone is going to get skin cancer.  This guy was a laugh riot!!

I wanted to chug my coffee so bad, and weighed the pros and cons of having a scalded throat vs. listening to this guy, but I held on.

Steve also had a real chip on his shoulder.  He was talking about college...I forget where he went, but he said "Well, I guess I can't impress you Miss Georgetown."  Out of nowhere!  Steve, where is this anger coming from?  Then I try to talk about TV and shocker, Steve doesn't watch much TV other than sports.  I told him I loved anything reality just to piss him off.  He asked if I would ever consider going on a reality show and I made some joke about it depends on how much they pay me.  He looked at me and thought I was serious and said he would never consider being on such trash.

Well, it was time for this date to end but wasn't ending it, so I called it a night.  We had a weird stiff awkward hug and I kinda wanted to punch him for being so annoying.

I would rather have a million bad dates with a guy who is at least entertaining than with a wet blanket like Steve.

Lesson here: Make sure you exchange at least 3 emails with the guy to weed out the duds!

Type #2- The Player- Part Deux

Unlike me, this 8 year old girl knows how to play the game.

 

 

 

 

Where did we leave off?  Of yes, I was turning into a stalker.  Last story was I texted him I was in the city and he gave me the brushoff.

That Monday he sent me an email about a tv show we were both watching.  Nothing about me being cute or having a great time on Friday.  No plans for him to make me his famous duck confit that week. I start to panic.

Now a normal person would read this and tell me to chill the f out--but as you will come to find out, I have a very hard problem with instant gratification and wanting things NOW.  My friends sometimes liken me to Veruka Salt.

Mistake #5
After some lame emails back and forth, I bit the bullet and asked if he wanted to see an art show that we were talking about (cringe!!!).  It took him a day to respond and he just commented that he heard it was a good show.

UGH! I should have wrote him off there, but I continued to email him, not pushing the issue that he totally ignored my date request, but hoping he would eventually ask me out again.

Then the emails became less frequent, work became "crazy busy" (the kiss of death in a relationship) and I stopped emailing him.  Or did I????

We bonded over our love/hate of the Kardashians, so when Kim had her baby about two weeks later, I emailed him.  He responded back something funny but short.

FINALLY I got the hint and I let it go.  Now you can say that he only wanted a hook up and after he didn't get any lost interest, but I could have made myself a LOT more interesting if I actually let him think I was a hot commodity.  I was just short of showing up to his office naked with a sign that says "I have no prospects other than you right now."

In sum, I made the huge mistake of a) falling hard for a guy way too soon and b) making myself 100% available to him.  This is the worst possible thing you can do in order to attract a mate, I know this, yet continued to do it.  At some point, my ego just took control and in the end made me look like a fool.  So, as the moral of this blog goes, do as I say, and for God's sake not as I do!

Type #2- The Player- Part 1

"I can't believe how hot and intelligent you are.... (plethora of other compliments)"

Also known as: Playa, Smooth Operator, Mr. Compliment

Advantages: Will have you on Cloud 9 after the 2nd date

Disadvantages: There will be no 3rd date

This one.  This is a good one.  I basically went all out and ignored all and any dating advice from friends and really blew this one.  A real "middle-finger" to The Rules. The cringe factor is high. However, this guy was definitely a total player, and was not looking for a long term commitment, so it was doomed from the start.  I just accelerated it with my poor dating skills.

Let's call him, Jay.  Jay was my first Match.com date a few months back and he had me hooked from the get go.  He sent me the best email (a list of 5 things he liked about my profile- I'm a sucker for lists) and then he sent me an IM.  Mind you, this was all within hours of me joining Match.  Red flag #1.  I guess once you join, you are labeled as "fresh meat" and will get a ton of emails...some good, but most are bad.  I should have known he was rather predatory if he found me so quickly.  I guess he could sense my dating naiveté.

Jay- a bit younger than me, attorney, ivy educated and super sarcastic.  A winner for me on all fronts so far.  We IM'd for about an hour and yes I felt like I was in high school.  We then moved on to email and I liked him more and more after each email.  Spelling was impeccable (very important to me!), told great stories, asked a ton of questions, etc.  We set up a date to meet and I was super excited.

First Date
We decided to meet at a tapas bar (I hate tapas) but it was cute.  We had an amazing conversation and a few drinks.  It lasted two hours and we walked me to the train (I was commuting to NJ at the time).  I really felt like I had connected with Jay- something I haven't felt in a long time.  I was definitely smitten.

Mistake #1
I text him on my train ride home.  I know- des-per-ate, right??  I just said I had a great time with him, but learned later that is a no-no.  The guy should text apparently and never after the date.  Ok, so I'm learning.

Mistake #2
He texts me back that he had a great time and hopes to see me again.  I text him right away that I'd love to and will think of a place to do.  Yep, I should have waited and let him plan the place per what I am told.

We continue to email and I really, really like this guy.  He would send a random email that I was really cute or I made him laugh.  Everything he said made me like him more.

Second Date
We go to the Fig and Olive downtown (good date spot BTW) and have a 4 hour dinner.  My attraction to him was beyond palpable and it was definitely one of my top dates ever.  Of course during this date, he talked about how "we should do this" or "I can't wait to cook you dinner."  All things that would lead you to believe another date was coming.  I didn't want the date to end, and apparently neither did he. We had a great kissing session in the cab and he asked me back to his place.  I declined but he didn't seem annoyed. 

Mistake #3
Now, this is interesting.  In terms of dating rules I didn't blow it, but in terms of the players' rules, I blew it by not going home with him.

Mistake #4
I texted him the next day that I was in the city that night if he wanted to get together.  HUGE mistake on my part.  I mean, I assume he didn't have plans?  Also, I let him know I was WAY too eager to see him.  As I write this I am so disappointed in myself. Where was the chase?  I basically was a sitting duck!  He texted me back that he was in Brooklyn for the night so couldn't meet up. Ouch.

I kick it up a notch on the cringe-worthy factor in the next part....TBC.....

Email Bag!

Aside from dating stories, I get a few very interesting emails which I will share from time to time.  PS- I change all the names because 1/98 of me feels wrong sharing the info.
Here is a favorite of mine:

From "Matt" in California who wants to put a job behind me---not sure if that is a good or bad thing:

Hi my name is Matt
I'm looking for a blonde in manhattan
I want to put a job behind her
It's a personal military mission if mine set by the court (wink)
I look at your beauty and instantly think of the
Miami heat on a bask it ball court

I mean, who does not want to be compared to the Miami Heat?!?

Type #1- The Ego

"Sorry I forgot your what you do for a living, I just have so many dates through Match"

Also known as: Gasbag, Cheapo, Mr. No Questions

Advantages: Great material for a blog

Disadvantages: Too expensive to date

Let's talk about my date with The Ego.  It's a rather lengthy story, but really worth it.  Let's call him Jack. I actually think I handled this one ok, so this date is less of a lesson and really just a good story.  He may still be out there ladies...

Jack, 45, ad exec, funny in his emails.  Cute too. 

 

My excitement to meet him quickly waned when he was 1/2 late.  Self absorbed doesn't begin to describe this guy.  He talked about himself for about the first hour.  Then he said "Oh you work with children at your job." Actually no, I don't. In a joking fashion I told him that he must have his Match dossier mixed up.  Instead of rolling with the joke he seriously shrugged his shoulders and said "What can I say, I like to date?"  You just wanted to slap him.

 

He proceeded to down 4 glasses of wine while I sipped a beer.  He suggested we order food. I got the cheese plate and he got a sandwich.  When the bill came he said "I'm going to make the bold suggestion that we split the check."  Of course, one can think of a millions lines I could have thrown at him in response, but honestly I was in shock, so I obliged and then just tried to get out of there.

 

I went in for the hug and he gave me a kiss on the lips.  It lasted about 5 seconds.  I tell you this because as soon as I got in the cab, he sent me a text that I am an amazing kisser.  Either a) I am or b) the guy is off.  It was definitely b.  I made the mistake of texting back a snarky comment "Really- that was nothing" I guess he read it as I meant there was more to come because he would not leave me alone after that.

 

Well, the slew of texts and emails began.  I wish I could screen shot all of the texts but I deleted most of them.  He sent 4 the day after asking if he could see me again and also sent me an email asking me to dinner and drinks-- I wanted to reply I can't afford to date him. 

 

When I still ignored him, he texted me why I was being so cold, he thought we really connected.  Mind you, we talked for about 2 hours, but it was mainly him doing the talking.  I told him I was a little turned off by his emails and that I don't move that fast --I even tried to scare him off and say I was looking for something serious! That just lead to a second barrage of texts.  Saying I should give him a chance, he is one of the good ones, not a perv (ok), and he really wants to see me again.  These were all separate text messages.  FINALLY I just emailed him that I am also seeing someone else and it is getting serious.  He wished me luck and I thought I got rid of him.

 

Nope.  I get a text from him a week later  Below is what it said.

 

 "So as you're not into sappy... my version of Hugh Grant singing "Don't Write Me Off Just Yet" from the (decent) rom-com MUSIC & LYRICS, right? I'm not kidding...I recorded it on a dare on my phone. Easily email-able. Utterly humiliating. Alternative, sweet and quite moving.:)"

  

Yes, he had recorded a song and wanted me to hear it. I HAD to egg him on so I asked him to send.  I wish I could figure out how to post songs, and will do once I figure it out. His final communiqué was  "There is a not so hidden meaning in that song." I thought the meaning was pretty obvious and this guy's ego must be so big that he would probably be proud if he found out I posted his song.

 

That was the end of Jack. Finally.

 

I guess the lesson in this is that some guys are so involved in themselves they have no idea you wanted to ditch them 10 minutes into the date.  I probably should have and ladies, you should to.  Don't entertain a loser who is just going to sit and talk about themselves. 

 

 

Types to Look Out for and How to Deal with Them

After a few months of online dating, I'm starting to see that there are a few "types" of men, and I fall for the trappings of each and every one. I always remember the Love is Hell series when I was younger, thinking it was funny. Sadly, now it hits too close to home. I couldn't find the actual comic, but below is the text:

The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive

"After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"

Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts

Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus

"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."

Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk

Advantages: Stays put; predictable

Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy

"I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."

Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled

Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot

"Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."

Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled

Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones

"Zzzzzz"

Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict

Advantages: Well rested; easy target

Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak

"Who, me?"

Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt

Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts

"After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"

Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster

Advantages: Perpetually aroused

Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer

"Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"

Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind

Advantages: Tells good stories

Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right

"While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"

Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy

Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer

Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

These were the boyfriends categorized by Matt Groening. Following are a few of mine.

Why I'm Still Single

I often used to wonder why I am still single. I'm decent looking enough, rather funny and intelligent and have had a string of long term relationships, but never had someone put a ring on it. Now at 36 I am really starting to wonder about my relationship fate. Once I joined Match.com, I finally figured it out. I am simply a horrible dater. I have no idea how to play it cool, when to bite my tongue, or to realize that a guy is simply a jerk and should be left alone. I could have saved a lot of money on books or therapy or shopping sprees I couldn't afford if I only realized this sooner and accepted the fact that I probably will be perpetually dating forever. I hope people read this blog to a) laugh at my silly dating experiences and b) learn to be a proper dater by doing the exact opposite of what I do. As I tell my friends, at this point, I am dating for their entertainment....so please to enjoy the next few installments of my cringe-worthy dating stories.



My male dating equivalent....